Working for my Church is weird

So I started a new position working at the Base Chapel.  First let me state this is the weirdest job ever.  Weird as in “I spent 12 years in Catholic school why oh why did I think working in a Catholic church would be fun?” kind of way.  Priests usually scare the bejeebies out of me because I hold this adolescent notion that they can see into my soul and are judging me for every time I’ve ever masturbated or wondered what having sex with Tom Hiddleston would be like.  Those might be related…but I digress…  I now work for a priest.  And I like it.  Did you know priests have a sense of humor?  Well mine does anyway.  That’s pretty awesome.  And if he has read my secret masturbation history in my soul, he’s kind enough to not mention it.

Secondly, working in a church has opened my eyes to the fact that church people are pirates.  I work with pirates. Maybe that’s not fair to pirates.  Lets just say that I think some of my coworkers have lost the message of being a Christian among their narcissistic compulsions to make everything about themselves.  Not the priest…he’s not-so-surprisingly humble…must be that priest training…the same training that teaches them to read your soul and judge you for undressing random strangers in your mind.  I find myself lost in a mouth-breather, dazed facial position during most of my interactions with my other co-workers.  I’m fairly positive that if we consider the priest as the Commander of the unit, that we should not be disrespectful jerk-faces to our commander!  Pirates have more honor.

I think this job is good for my overall spiritual health though.  I get to visit Jesus every morning on my walk to my office.  I get to see the human side of priests, although I may never be cured of my belief they are soul readers.  Lastly, I get to try and play a role in helping my fellow brothers and sisters in the church community realize that while their roles are definitely helpful, they themselves are not the embodiment of Jesus and should therefore temper their self-imposed importance with some form of humility.  Wish me luck…


Been a few months…

Well here we are rolling into the holidays. Normally this is the time of year when people start gaining weight or freaking out about all the food. As anyone who’s followed my blog knows, I tried the most ridiculous “diet” known to humanity back in the spring. Since then my health issues multiplied, NOT AS A RESULT OF THAT DIET, mainly because for 13 years I had doctors saying I could eat anything a “normal” person can eat and then just use insulin to cover it. No I wasn’t eating ridiculously, but I didn’t think much of giving myself insulin to cover what I did eat. At 33 I weighed 171, I weighed 157 this morning. BTW I’m 5’6″ so I’m only 12 pounds over weight just to clarify for those wondering. I’ve been steadily losing the rebound weight from the Nutristupid diet I did in the spring but as a result of years of abusing my system, I was told to cut out animal proteins to give my kidneys a break.

My first thought was “you’ve got to be kidding me?!” but having been eating this way for a few months and seeing the difference in my overall health, as well as blood work, I’m a believer. I’m so stoked about this its not even funny. My husband and kid have been eating as Vegans as well and they have adopted it as a lifestyle because they love the food and the way they feel eating real, home cooked (most of the time), healthy meals. So that’s it. I’m done talking about diet this and lose weight that…its not a one size fits all discussion. For some, Weight Watchers is their fit, and others may choose to take a “magic pill” to make them skinny for a while. What all these diets and goofy programs have taught me is that chemicals and deprivation work but there are long-term consequences that can be just as damaging as being over weight. Adopting a healthy lifestyle begins with looking at what you are putting into your body’s system and whether it makes sense. Eating what the good earth has provided makes sense to me and it is what was recommended for me by a medical doctor…no film flam artist…but a specialist in endocrinology.

From here out, any food discussions on here will be more tailored to our adventures in becoming Vegan…and many are quite humorous…like the time I didn’t know I had to cook beans after soaking before putting them into a soup…remind me to tell you that sometime. In the meantime, try to be the healthiest and happiest you that you can be.

Nutrimost = Worst Diet Ever

So I finished the program on day 38 having lost 22 pounds and plowing through 2 plateaus.  Sounds like a great thing right?  Wooo Hoo, 22 pounds in 40 days.  Stop and ask yourself if this seems like a HEALTHY way to lose weight?  That’s what this is really about.  Did it do what it said it would?  Kind of.  They advertise up to 40 pounds in 40 days.  However, one week into my program my adviser just casually mentioned “women only typically lose about 20 pounds so if you want 40 pounds you’ll have to go through the program again.”  Let’s clarify that this program costs $1500 with a possibility of paying closer to $1200 if you pay in full on day 1.  So $1500 for 20 pounds in 40 days.  Let that sink in.  If you don’t meet your 40 pound goal, be ready to fork over at least half of the cost of the program depending on the place you’re working through.

Starting weight 171.9, end weight 148.  Day 1 off the diet I regained 3 pounds eating 900 calories, is that even humanly possible? Their fix for that, starve yourself all day then eat an 8oz steak and an organic apple.  Think about everything you know about healthy food management and let that sink in.  

“Does it work?” is probably what most people would ask but the real question is about what life is like off of the diet.  Its awful.  I couldn’t do any more starvation days after my third in one week.  Keep in mind I was eating in the calorie range they gave me, introducing 1 new food a day, and avoiding all the “don’t eat” foods.  And on day 8 my husband said “stop”.  He couldn’t do it anymore either…I was food obsessing, scale obsessing, and crying every morning when I stepped on the scale.  Whatever this diet does to make you lose weight so fast also makes it come back fast once you’re off the drops and eating “normal” food like turkey, cauliflower, green beans, bananas, raspberries, blueberries, and cottage cheese with nectarines.  Sounds like fattening food huh?

Final thoughts, only do this diet if:

  1. You’ve tried every other diet and failed at them multiple times
  2. You have $1500 just laying around that you could use to wipe you butt with but think this might be a fun 40 day trial in self loathing
  3. You need to lose 20 pounds fast but have no care about staying at the lower weight or learning to actually eat appropriate food in appropriate proportions
  4. You’ve tried every other diet on the planet and failed at the multiple times 

I would recommend taking that $1500 and hiring a personal trainer and meeting with a nutritionist or joining weight watchers because you will learn how to SUSTAIN your lower weight without being like me and obsessing about food and numbers on scales.  I’m now in a weird world of eating 1200 calories and working out 6 times a week to ONLY gain a pound a week.  I currently weigh 158.  Yes, I’ve gained 10 pounds in 3 weeks.  And I track my calories like a mad woman…its just my body adapting to life without that Magic water.  This is my experience, I’m sure others have been more successful and are happy with their end results.  I just found this to be a very unhealthy weight-loss experience.

Here’s to the next 6 months of attempting to get to my ultimate 40 pound loss goal I had at the beginning.  Cheers to 131….

Week three was really weak

I’m stuck. Stuck stuck stucky stuck stuck. Talk about a plateau! I haven’t lost anything for a week now. In fact at one point I gained three pounds. How is that even possible? Well it’s simple, oil. On this plan if you come into contact with any oil, it gets converted to fat. Boom. So now we are searching for the oil culprit. I cleaned the steering wheel in the truck and wiped all the handles down yesterday. Still having problems. Next is to scrub the bathroom and see if it’s my husband’s shaving stuff…he’s a man so it’s basically all over the sink and faucet. I clean the bathroom at least once a week but I think I should scrub all the corners and change all the linens one more time to make sure. Hooray for more work!

Through all this it have indeed learned quite a lot about myself. For one thing, I can be a productive human being. I get up at 6:30 every morning, get on my gear, and go for a walk. I’m home by 7:00-7:30, change into adult clothing (no more yoga pants all day ladies), do the hair and make up thing, and get the kid out the door by 8:15. Run any errands, get home and do chores until lunch, study Italian for an hour over my lunch and then spend the afternoon working on my needlepoint until it’s time to get the kid. I pick her up at school an we are home by 4. I fix dinner & clean up while the Mr takes the kid to track and we eat when they get home. Dishes done and put away by 7:30 and we chill. Holy ballz! That’s a pretty darn productive day! Most people would say that is a normal day but it wasn’t for me for a very long time.

Leaving the house after I was already home, or running more than a couple errands after dropping the kid off, created a level of anxiety in me that was almost debilitating. I didn’t have the energy or the motivation to move. I think this was due partly to depression and partly that I’m just naturally an introvert who is happiest in my own home. So what’s changed? I’m buzzing with energy and have less anxiety about being around people. Don’t mistake that for me wanting to be in crowds, but the general trip to the store doesn’t spaz me out as bad right now. If people weren’t so freakin weird, I wouldn’t have such issues. But people are weird so I still prefer my own four walls to the general public.

Another small feat I’m rather proud of, I haven’t quit. Normally when I sit at a particular weight (my current plateau weight is where I always stall), I quit the dieting altogether and go back to feeling sorry for myself. This time I know that within the next week I will see a drop on the scale. It has to happen. I’m playing seek and destroy with hidden oils, adding running, and doing a metabolism boosting workout for a few days to get it burning again. Did I mention I am not quitting the diet? I have 17 days left and I know I can drop at least 10 more pounds. I just gotta get it moving again.

Now I just have to convince myself that 140-145 is an okay weight. I was really shooting for 130’s but I know that I’ve run out of time for that to happen on this magic water diet. Doesn’t mean I can’t keep going for that 130-something weight but I need to make the most of the time I have left on this diet trying to attain a realistic number. They did say women typically only lose 27 pounds and I have lost about 18. I know adding the running will help shed those pounds a lot faster.

Better go get the gear on and make my metabolism wake the F up.

Two weeks in and still alive

It’s been two weeks since I started this diet. So far so good! I mean, I caught the start of the zombie plague last week and managed to produce more snot that I thought was humanly possible, coupled with a TB like cough, and an inner ear infection that made walking a game of chance. All while also having company for the week. Hooray! Thankfully my guest were old friends who know better than to have high standards for me to meet.

I’ve lost about 20 pounds in 15 days. I’ve added walking the she-beast for thirty minutes. She-beast is my preferred term for the 85 pound idiot we adopted. She’s quite possibly the dumbest smart dog ever to exist. I think we got the “special” one. I also drink my magic water, water I add drops of magic stuff to that makes me lose weight and have energy. It’s not really magic stuff, it’s minerals and stuff, but it makes me drink it like it will make me into a less-fabulous version of Angelina Jolie. Magic.

I’ve peopled and adulted a lot this week, considering I thought I was turning into a zombie last week. Adulting is hard but someone’s got to do it. The only thing I want is a big bowl of granola! I want it like a fat girl wants all you can eat Chinese food. Mmmmmmm granola…. When this is all over in 24 days, I’m going to eat some granola. Maybe a whole box. But I’ll use Almond Milk so it won’t be so unhealthy, that counts right?

NutraMost-ly not hungry

I have started the NutraMost diet as of yesterday.  As crazy as it sounds, as expensive as it is.  I signed up thinking it was a great idea at the time.  I still think it’s a great idea but I’m only in day 2 which is actually the first REAL day of the diet.  What is NutraMost?  My description will not come close to making sense or doing justice to those who took many years developing it but I’ll give the Reader’s Digest version.

  1. Doctor (mostly Chiropractor so don’t be thinking this is someone who went to med school just to do this program but don’t cringe okay?) monitored, Biofeedback-based program that relies on liquid “supplements” to reset the body’s endocrine system.
  2. Supplement is not really what they give you but its the best description for what I call “my magic potions”.  Little bottles of liquid awesomeness that are mixed specifically for me and my body.
  3. Why the endocrine system? I have no idea…I know they explained it to me.  I really was trying really hard to pay attention.  But I sort of remember being totally distracted by my doctor’s (Chiropractor) cough drop.

So there is the basic idea of the program.  Oh yeah, and you only get to eat 500 calories a day.  No sugar.  No starches.  No oil.  No butter.  No no no no.  It’s easier to explain what one can eat than what one can’t.  I get 3 oz of protein (Beef, chicken, white fish, buffalo, various shellfish, and Veal) twice a day with a pile of vegetables (cucumber, celery, chard, spinach, lettuce, tomato, onion, cabbage).  I also get 2 fruits a day (apple, orange, strawberries are my choices thus far).  As long as it doesn’t go over 500 calories.

And you can’t come in contact with any oils either.  So no make up with oil, no shampoo with oil, no conditioner with oil, no deodorant, toothpaste, soap etc.  I smell like a man man baby yeah….There weren’t any women’s deodorants allowed and my  doctor’ office was out of their “specially designed” product.  Hooray for Bare Minerals since basically the whole line of pigments is oil-free.

So yeah.  That’s what I’m doing.  The bigger question most people have is “why”?  Well…the program touts 40 pounds loss in 40 days.  Don’t freak out about how “that’s not healthy!” or “that’s not maintainable!”…shush you nay sayers.  Remember, doctor (okay fine, Chiropractor) supervised.  Seriously though, people who’ve done the program swear by it and the reason I’m doing this is because of one such individual who works alongside my husband and lost 35 pounds in 32 days.  Having witnessed it himself, my husband was adamant I look into it.  So reason number 1, I’m kind of vain and want to look hot.  Reason number 2, and way more important, I’m a Type 1 diabetic and am tired of living on insulin to support my horrible eating habits.  I’ve heard of Type 1’s who use so little external insulin that they only take one small shot a day.  Hot Damn!  That’d be amazeballz.  Off my insulin pump? Sign me up for 3 oz of animal and a pile o’ grass.

I’m walking this walk for 40 days…I’m not quitting because my husband would probably kill me if I did because this program is so damn expensive.  But I also know I’m not quitting because I can see how amazing my life can be if I live it as a healthy person.  Cheers to my next 35 years of healthy living.

Free as the Wind

I am everything
Then nothing
Then low.

I can do anything
I can’t move a muscle
What is in my head?
You’ll never know

I’m engaged one minute
gone the next
Wandering around
Inside my mind

It’s dark in here
Oh these thoughts I have
Searching for the happiness
None left to find

Next I’m the happiest person you know
A ray of sunshine
Bringing laughter
The joy overflowing

They have a name for what I am
A label, a term, a category
But none of those are big enough
I’m the size of the North Wind blowing

I’m not crazy
Not me
I’m just free