I need a redo

I’m being born again on the 9th of April.  My physical birthday is the 4th of April but that’s not important anymore.  I need a redo…a reset of who I am.  I am a 35-year-old female.  Wife. Mom. Trained mental health and addictions counselor.  Type 1 diabetic.  Homemaker extraordinaire.  Very loved by my family but confused as to why.  The negative voice in my head tells me my worth.  Not the positive voices that surround me in the real world and tell me how pretty I am, that I’m a good mom, that I’m a good wife, a good friend. and that I am worth something.  I get none of that through the noise in my head.  The noise in my head says I’m fat, lazy, worthless, not as good as others, not a good enough mother, generally not good enough period.

I’m tired of feeling inferior to the rest of the world.  I am tired of hearing the negative in my head.  I’m just tired.

I’ve decided to do something rather drastic…and expensive…but it will be the reset my body needs and my mind can use as a catalyst to feed some positivity into all that bleakness.  We all have baggage our parents or guardians have passed on to us through our childhood.  Some of us have heavier baggage than others, but we are all shaped by those experiences.  In my case I inherited the negative voice of “Not good enough” and “Not perfect”.   I know where it comes from…former metal health practitioner that I am.  Now its time to deal with how to move forward.  Can’t fix the past but you can sure as hell make your own tomorrow.

I start a hormone reset on the 9th.  Full endocrine reboot.  I’m paying through the nose for it but I think it’ll be worth it to get my blood glucose levels back under control.  I’m a diabetic for life baby so maybe I should stop eating shit I know I shouldn’t eat?  Just call me Sherlock.  For every day I eat sugar and I let my BG levels go crazy, I’m taking a year off my life.  At this rate I’ll be lucky to make it to 60.  Anytime someone offers me something I know I’m not suppose to eat, that they know I’m not suppose to eat, I have to draw that line in the sand and say “I’m sorry, I can’t eat that. But thanks for trying to kill me”.  Yeah, my parents don’t even register I’m a diabetic.  They love giving me candy and chocolate.  Cupcakes and cookies.  Rarely is it sugar-free.  I think it’s because I’m an idiot and just take it.  But no, that’s the negative voice.  The truth is that when people care about you, they want to keep you around a bit longer.  Why offer someone poison?  No, my parents don’t hate me.  They’re just flipping clueless as to what being a diabetic means.  I’m working on my big girl voice and using my big girl words to say ‘no”. Say “no” to drugs…even if those drugs are super tasty carb bombs covered in delicious.

So here’s to the beginning of the next 35 years on this planet being more peaceful, healthful, and thankful. Peaceful with the knowledge my family upbringing wasn’t perfect but I can’t hold grudges for mistakes, no one is perfect including my parents.  Living my life from this day forward as full of life and health as possible so I can be here a bit longer and be the best person I can be for my family.  Being thankful for what I am, who I am, and what I have.  When you’re thankful for what you have, you can’t be so negative about all the little annoying things.

It’ll be interesting how this journey goes but I’m excited to look back at where I started.